by Shawn Kirby L.Ac.

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” - Mark Twain -

Margaret (not her real name) was 68 years of age and in relatively good health. She came to see me complaining mainly of night sweats and mild insomnia. One of her girlfriends had read an article about acupuncture in AARP Magazine and suggested she try OM. After doing an initial intake, I charted significant findings of red eyes, a red tongue and a rapid pulse. The pulse was neither particularly thin nor particularly forceful. Her tongue coat was average, slightly yellow and in more toward the back of the tongue.

...

Without bothering to dig any deeper, I diagnosed her presenting pattern as liver-kidney yin vacuity with vacuity heat. After an acupuncture treatment on her back shu points, I prescribed Qi Ju Di Huang Wan and sent her on her way, assuming I had just performed a slam dunk.

Margaret came to me the next week. While her eyes had not changed, her night sweats were worse. Perplexed I glanced at the chart and, to make small talk, asked her about her upcoming social calendar.

“I’m going on another Carnival Cruise next month with a few of my girlfriends,” she replied. “This time we’re going to Mexico!”

I murmured an interested grunt and motioned for her to continue.

“So, of course I’m heading over to Walgreen’s to pick up a Listerine bottle. Walgreen’s is the only place you can still find the original flavor Listerine, you know.”

“Mmm… original flavor” I inanely commented, still feigning interest as I desperately rifled through her chart to see where I had gone wrong.

“Oh yes. I find that’s the best way to transport my Seagram’s rye whisky without getting caught.”

It took me a couple of beats to catch up to this. Incredulous I looked up her. “Seagram’s?” I asked, now giving her my undivided attention.

“Oh yes. It’s my favorite, and they don’t give senior discounts at the bar you know.” Her face radiated with a saintly smile and her eyes twinkled with almost childlike innocence.

A few more pointed questions revealed headaches, high pitched tinnitus characterized by sudden losses of hearing and what she described as “mild irritability.” (“Well, I do try to act my age, but sometimes my daughter makes me so damned mad I could just choke the living s*#t out of her” – all said with the same beatific smile on her face.)

I changed her prescription to Long Dan Xie Gan Tang. Her recovery was rapid, and she felt good enough to move to quarterly maintenance treatments within four weeks – although she still has mild setbacks around holidays and after she goes on her yearly cruise…

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John (not his real name) had come to see me about chronic indigestion. He had been suffering from mild nausea, focal distention and belching that had gone on for over four years. He also complained of feeling “puffy” and out of sorts after he ate. He had come up negative for H Pylori, and none of the prescriptions he had been given worked. Turning to alternative medicine, he had gone through an increasingly restrictive diet regime, limiting potential allergens and eating organic. This had helped at first, but now his austere diet was bringing in diminishing returns. As a last resort, he was willing to try OM.

John was tall, quiet and very unassuming. In point of fact, the only thing remarkable about John was the smell. A pungent and overripe smell of garlic preceded John into any room he entered by several seconds. Cloistered in an enclosed treatment room with John was not unlike burying one’s face into a Hillshire Farm’s summer sausage. Through watery eyes, I proceeded to ask the usual intake questions until I could stand it no longer.

“John” I asked, “I don’t mean to be rude, but this may be significant to your case. Do you typically consume a lot of garlic?”

“Oh yes,” John replied, not in the least put out. “I read a fascinating article years ago on the health benefits of garlic. I eat 12 cloves of raw garlic each day, and I usually work some into my meals as well. I particularly love it in hummus.”

Suddenly aware that my mouth was hanging open, I did my best to regain my composure. “John” I said, “I’m going to make you a deal. I want to try something. I’m not going to charge you for today’s session and I’m not going to treat you. I simply want you to lay off the garlic completely for one week. If you don’t feel a lot better, come back and we’ll start treatment. If I’m right” I shrugged, “then send me a referral or two and we’ll call it even.”

John, incredulous that the truly wondrous panacea of raw garlic might actually be causing his digestive upset, nonetheless agreed to give it a try.

John did come back, not for treatment, but to let me know that he was feeling remarkably better, and to bring in his fiancée to see me regarding her PMS. Pleased to hear of John’s recovery, I accompanied his fiancée to the treatment room. Once the door was closed, she seized my arm.

“Thank you,” she said, a tear forming in her eyes, “thank you for making him stop eating all that damned garlic. I’ve been trying to get him to stop for years, but he won't listen. The smell won't come out our comforter. I stopped letting him ride in my car. Oh my dear God, thank you, thank you…”

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A young woman in her early twenties came in complaining of migraines. She had suffered from these on and off since childhood. She had been to various doctors and alternative healthcare practitioners who had come up with various diagnoses and treatments with zero success.

Upon further questioning, I discovered gaps in when she experienced her migraines. They stopped when she became a teenager, and then started up again recently when she moved to Boulder. Upon further questioning about her western medical care on this issue, I discovered that an optometrist had diagnosed her as having a genetic condition that made her more sensitive to light than the average Joe, which also pre-disposed her to this type of migraine.

The last piece of the puzzle came when she told me that she had recently stopped wearing make-up. She had just gotten a job at a local Boulder company and wanted to fit in with her hippie co-workers who had made some left handed comments about her being a little “well-coiffed.” It was right around this time that her migraines had come back.

”Shelly (not her real name), I want you to try something. Have you ever watched football?”

“Not really,” Shelly responded, her eyebrows raised, wondering where I was going with this.

“Well, have you ever seen those strips of grease paint or dark band aids that guys put on their cheekbones when they play football?” I asked.

“Yes, I have” she replied “but I never could understand why they do that.”

“It absorbs sunlight that would bounce up off of the cheekbones and back into the player’s eye. It works better than sunglasses honestly.” Her eyebrows rose even higher at this, and the beginning of a smile played across her lips. “I want you to start wearing make-up again and see if this helps.”

Shelly went back to wearing makeup every day. She hasn’t had a migraine since.