by Shawn Tzu

As we move into the spring season, we have entered the time of year of the wood phase and the season of the liver. As you undoubtedly know, the two most important medicinals to benefit the liver at this time are Huang Peep and Chi Peep.

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Peeps have been used medicinally in China for millennia. No less than Shen Nong, the god of agriculture, herbal authentication and snack foods, made specific mention of Peeps in his Shen Nong Ben Cao Jing. Peeps were classified as a Superior Quality Herb in chapter Five, “Novelty Candies and other Crap.” (It should be noted that this chapter of the Shen Nong Ben Cao Jing is not usually included in modern translations and is considered by some to be apocryphal. Other medicinals discussed in this chapter include the Necco Wafer and the Valentine Conversation Heart.) The main uses of Peeps according to this text were treating under-activity and excessive calmness in children, as well as promoting the growth of large and supple man boobies in adult males, an important quality in the eunuchs who served the imperial concubines. Zhang Zhong Jing, in his lesser known work, the So Huang, Fare Well, discussed the use of Peeps, and other marshmallow based medicinals, as important substances to increase liver depressive heat and therefore drive evil cold out of the body.

Initially, Huang Peep and Chi Peep were considered one herb. However, it was Jin Yuan luminary, Li Dong-Yuan that first codified the different uses for Huang (yellow) Peeps and Chi (reddish pink) Peeps in his lesser known classic, the Pi So Lame, or “The Spleen: Spineless Wimp of the Zang Organs.” In this seminal work, Li Dong-Yuan states –

“…since the Huang Peep (yellow peep) corresponds with the color of the spleen, this medicinal will go straight to this pathetic organ. The toxic nature of this medicinal will then pummel and emotionally abuse the spleen until the spleen finally starts to stand up for itself and stop acting like such a 90 lb. weakling. While it is rare, overuse of Huang Peep can actually create what is known as a “rogue spleen” which will then attack the liver to exact its well-deserved revenge. This pattern discrimination is known as ‘Earth Being Totally Reactionary (and kinda/sorta bitchy) Towards Wood’.”

Chi Peep (reddish pink peep) on the other hand, was said by Li Dong-Yuan to correspond to the fire phase and the heart. This peep was thought to have similar properties to the Valentine’s Day Conversation Heart. Chi Peep, however was not thought to create as much heat and carnal lust as the Valentine’s Heart, unless of course the medicinal was offered to a paramour of large girth who was turned on by high fructose corn syrup. (For more on this, see Sun Si-Miao’s pillow book, “The Art of Getting It On without Losing Too Much Jing.”)

Obtaining authentic and high quality Peeps is relatively easy, unless you live in a more progressive community like Boulder Colorado. In point of fact, Peeps are hard to come by here in Boulder, due to our lack of a local Wal-Mart. (Many people don’t know this, but Wal-Mart, the primary source for Peeps in the U.S. market, is actually owned by Chinese herb suppliers. ‘Wal-Mart’, Great ‘Wall’ of China… you do the math). Boulder’s bizarrely health conscious community, in fact, seems to be Peep intolerant. In a story issued by the Associated Press on March 30th, a Boulder woman was purportedly evicted for displaying Easter stickers, plastic grass and several authentic samples of Huang Peep for two weeks after the Easter holiday last year. (For more on this, you can read the full article at Peeps Perp in Colorado).

In summary then, don’t forget about that most important and ubiquitous spring-time medicinal, the marshmallow Peep. Your wimpy little spleen will thank you.

:D HAPPY APRIL FOOLZ DAY EVERYONE! :D